Mental Health

May is the time for Mental Health awareness—and in some cases—to check on those who we know might be in danger of going down the rabbit hole, not able to get out and return to themselves.

 

I am one of those who suffers from this horrible mental ailment. Sixteen years ago—I was committed to a hospital to be evaluated—from there, I was analyzed, and poked and prodded with questions and had to answer them, to the point that they declared me a RECOVERING ALCOHOL!             ME???? REALLY???? In order to be recovering, you have to be ONE! And I am not. The doctor tried to inform me that “there are plenty of ways of hiding that problem” and denying it is one way! Of course I knew what they meant in the term ‘Hiding” it. Like drinking your orange juice with Vodka, or others types of fruit juices…. Well let me squelch that—I might be of Russian Decent on my mother’s side—however I can’t stand the smell nor the taste of Vodka—sorry folks, taste like Rubbing Alcohol to me, SO NO! I am not a recovering alcoholic!

 

That has irritating me since August of 2006- now move sixteen years after, and I am dealing with this crap—Part of it is Work—yes I work for State Farm, and have been for 2 and half years.  The pressure of that job is not all that—but over a period of time it can be—meaning you are constantly being rated by not just the Clients but also the AGENTS (the brick and mortar agents) The other part that has caused this is the personal side—the not being confidant enough to think I can do this job—it beats you up, and you bring that inside your home, and then question yourself with your home life—are you doing the best you can for them—are the choices that you make the right kind—or are they causing more issues than you would like.

It’s a horrible feeling, its makes you think the absolute UNTHINKABE, stepping off of this earth. Doing it YOUR way—and not waiting for something else—natural causes or accident or whatever. Death is final, there is no return, there is nothing coming back from the dead.

I can tell you from where I stand, the thought has been there, but the action, well 16 years ago, its what took me inside the asylum! All sorts of drugs to control me, my sleep, my thoughts, it was horrible. I NEVER wish to do that again, but here I am once again, going through this ordeal and they (Doctors, Therapist, Family) have said it might be the best thing for me.

 

I have used this platform for others to seek help, and to get better, my own ordeal though is one OXYMORON after another. Lets face it—I wanted to step off this earth in 2006, and in 2007 I saved MYSELF by going to the ER with a full blown heart attack! Then again in 2017 I am the one that called 911 to come again and save me with a massive heart attack. I have saved myself from death, and if I wanted to really step off, I would have just allowed it.

There are those who say that I just want attention- that this is all dramatic on my part, and that its just an act! Hmmm—I am the one dealing with it—and I don’t see anything dramatic about it! I see darkness, I see despair, and I feel empty—I don’t like the reflection I see in the mirror—I don’t like how I feel, and I am doing everything in my power to be better. But there are obstacles, and there are those who keep throwing up road blocks for my recovery.

 

I like my job, I like those who I work with, I consider them friends, but when I go down with this type of crap, all I can think of is how I shoot myself in the foot, and how I lose myself in this crap. I am not wanting to lose this job because of this crap. I would like to return but maybe in a less capacity, part time maybe, and go semi retired through Social Security.

 

My life is important to those around me, not just my wife Amanda, and her children and now granddaughter, but of course my family of my sister and her husband and their son--- my G-dDaughter and her family (the man I call my big brother) and of course the friends who consider me a part of their lives. Though I never saw that side of myself as the mentor, the teacher, the one who they consider getting them to where they needed to be. Its funny I can do all of that for others, but for myself, I have the self doubt—the low self esteem at times,. The river of tears need to stop and I need to get back to who and what I am. I miss David… Dave is great at making people laugh and entertained (Trust me I know) but I need to be David for my family, and for those who depend on me for things.

 

For what its worth, if someone struggles with Depression, or sleep deprivation, or any other type of mental illness, PDST, (which I also have) help THEM, get them help! And most of all, be patient with them—this is not like the flu or an operation that gets well in a few days or weeks, this is a delipidating illness—it will take you or them a while to get back to where they need to be.

 

Thank you for allowing me to open up and to explain, and to ask for your patience until I can get back to David!

 

Just a thought